Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Sorry if disjointed

last week was crazy, we just finished all our tax junk today though and I feel like a weight has lifted off me so I can actually reflect on the shit I've been thinking about. I had been so stressed this month that binging had reared it's ugly head. I always knew I was an emotional eater, a volume eater...I like to eat a lot! but I never thought i might have any eating disorder. We were watching a bunch of interventions earlier in the month and there was this one guy who was an alcoholic and bulimic, the whole time i'm seeing myself in the way he's eating, like a monster, like he's never seen food before and don't get me started when he's at his parents house and his mom makes his favorite dishes, i see myself in all of that so much but I thought surely there's nothing wrong with me because i don't throw up! I honestly don't understand the throwing up part because it seems like such a waste and like emotionally I want that food inside of me, the guilt and the pain in my stomach is all part of it, the relief once i'm not so full and tell myself I will never do that again. That is not to say that I haven't eaten so much that I had to throw up...so that's certainly not normal. I had no idea that binging without purging is a thing and considered an eating disorder...

  While this was coming up an ACA (adult children of Alcoholics) workshop that I've wanted to take started. I went to the first meeting feeling like a totally crazy person, not sure if I was ready to actually delve into this pool of shit. I've been to AA meetings before, a lot in the first 6 months of my sobriety ( I have 6 years this June). but this was the first time that I sat in a room of 30+ people and literally every woman was telling my story. I thought it was pretty amazing seeing that a fucked up family can manifest itself so similarly in people and believe me your parents do not have to be alcoholics!

 We all introduced ourselves and had about 2 minutes to talk, someone said they were there because they had "cleaned up a lot" but still have this stuff to work through and that is exactly how I feel. I have cleaned up a lot! my life is very stable,I am pretty responsible, I am fairly organized, I have conquered alcohol,drugs,and cigarettes fairly easily, I try to manage my stress and pms in a healthy way, I have learned a lot about myself and why I do the things I do! I have been in a relationship for nearly 15 years and through all this shit we have built it into something really amazing! but the one thing I cant seem to understand is my relationship with food.

 Last June I was doing so well, I was down to 183 and I felt great. the program I was doing had my goal weight at 170 so i was like ok don't be a quitter keep going even though I felt perfect where I was. I wish I didn't get scared or whatever it was that happened and fall back into all my old routines, I wish I would have told myself you are perfect right now you don't have to do anything else! There are so many things going on in my heard with weight,appearance, and food all at once and it makes me crazy.

I am an intelligent person but I still believe with relative certainty that if I weighed less my whole life would be easier. I know that part of it isn't completely ridiculous because feeling uncomfortable and out of shape can make you feel pretty frustrated and miserable.

Part of me thinks this is just what it is to be a woman, accept it, move on.

I hope this workshop will reveal some things about my behavior and help me figure this junk out. I'm going to try my best to keep writing as stuff comes up because that always helps me feel less crazy.

On a happy note I had a great hour long workout and have had a normal amount of food today :D

Edit: I am hyper aware that I turn 30 in 4 months and that definitely hasn't been helping anything since I had hoped to be perfect by 30, fuck!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Belated xmas plushes!

I'm so happy I finally got to give George and Laura their xmas presents! I enjoyed making these so much and seeing their reactions was the best feeling in the world. The first character is one of Laura's, you may know her as the composer and sound designer of Plants vs. Zombies, original characters, a Leeble, from two of her games. The game she's working on now is called Rakuen :)
To keep up with her everything she's doing you can now follow/like her on facebook!

This crazy little guy is called Octogeddon, he's the main character in a game that George, you may know him as the creator of Plants vs. Zombies, is working on. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

During my break

During my break from the Ed+Danielle shop I made some things. These little hoops and worm friends for some poilus that I've had finished in my studio for awhile. All the poilus have been snatched up but you can still snag a hoop!

Friday, December 20, 2013

A full day of bubs

Wednesdays we get Dusty after preschool. We watched Goonies and he practiced his numbers and drew with Ed. After we dropped him off we met my sister for Eli's christmas concert. He's in transitional kindergarten and his class sang Jingle Bells ^__^  We went out for frozen yogurt afterward, there were some pics of me but I look too horrendous to share them XD At some point before we went to sleep we put the tree up, it's been sitting in the box in the dining room for a week ugh.

      Some stills from the video of Eli's Jingle Bells performance!

he killed it!

This is by far my fave picture of them, Acacia's face cracks me up!


We didnt do much today but see our therapist (preparing my brain for xmas), get a few more presents for the kids, pinata stuffing, and I walked for an hour on the tread mill ^__^

 One of my favorite things to eat lately, eggs, a super baked yam, and a lil but of shredded cheese.

Walked while watching The Biggest Loser instead of sitting on the couch!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013